


The Middle of the Ocean

by lionessvalenti



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Aliens, Character Death Fix, F/M, Fix-It, Outer Space, Spaceships, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/pseuds/lionessvalenti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Toshiko dies, she wakes up on an alien spacecraft. She and Owen have been plucked off Earth with their lives saved, but everything has changed, and they weren't ready.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Middle of the Ocean

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilybeth84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilybeth84/gifts).



> Thank you to L for beta reading!

The pain began to subside, and the light around Jack's face faded. Everything went black. Everything went cold.

Toshiko felt everything slip away.

And then there was light. A bright, white light, shining in her eyes. She wasn't cold anymore. In fact, she was hot; she was sweating. She brought her hands up to her face, to try to block the light, but she felt -- not hands, something colder, something slick wrap around her wrists and hold them down at her sides.

"No," Tosh muttered, struggling against whatever it was that was holding her down. Didn't they know she was dying? Couldn't they just give her peace?

There were voices, but she couldn't make out the words. She closed her eyes, trying to drown out all the other sensations, and that was when she realized they weren't speaking English. They weren't speaking any language she'd ever heard before. Maybe they weren't even speaking.

"Where am I?" she asked blearily. She tried to lift her hands again, but they were still being held down. "Please, let me go."

There was a prick in her neck and everything went blurry and dark again.

* * *

When Toshiko woke up, there were no bright lights. She sat up and looked around. She was wearing white pajamas made of soft fabric and no shoes. The room was dim, but there was light coming from, well, somewhere. She couldn't tell. The walls were white and rounded, giving no clear definition of where the walls ended and the ceiling began. She was sitting on a simple cot with a pillow and a blue blanket.

It was a nice enough room, but Tosh felt the panic start to build up in her chest. It was small, probably only about a meter or so wide, and it was like those walls were closing in on her. She had sworn, she'd been _promised_ that she'd never be put in a cell again. Jack had--

Jack.

Jack was there, and Gwen, and Ianto. They all watched her die, but now... she was gone. Her body was gone. What the hell happened to her? What would the rest of the team think happened to her?

Tosh jumped to her feet and threw herself at the door. "Let me out!" she shouted, her hands curling into fists. She beat them against the door. "Let me out! I won't stay here!" Mid-slam, the door slid open to the side, like something out of Star Trek, and she nearly fell through the doorway.

She stumbled into the hall, and when she got her feet under her, she looked around. It was like the room: white with the same rounded walls. It had to be some kind of hospital.

The rift, she realized slowly. She must have somehow slipped through the rift. Things came through it all the time, so there was no reason she couldn't fall through the other way. Into the future, or somewhere in space. Or both. She paused and listened, and there was no engine hum, no noise at all. She probably wasn't on a ship, or at least not anything Earth-based, or of this time.

Tosh walked down the long white hall, looking for another door or a window. Anything to give her a clue to where or when she might be, but everything was seal off. There were other sliding doors, but she didn't know how she got the first one open, and like "her" room, none of them had knobs.

She turned a rounded corner, and some of her questions were answered. She was definitely somewhere alien, as made evident by the two aliens coming toward her.

They were stout, not much taller than she was, but they weren't humanoid at all. They reminded her of blue squids, walking on their eight smaller legs, with two larger, long tentacles that came up like arms, ending in a sort of paddle-shape. Unlike squids, their huge, black eyes were up near the tops of their heads, one on either side. It made them look distinctly alien.

Tosh knew that not all aliens were dangerous, and apparently these had saved her life, but she still backed up against the wall. "Who are you? Why have you brought me here?"

/We have saved your life.\

The words weren't spoken aloud, but Tosh could hear them in her mind. She'd experienced something similar before with Mary and her necklace, but it was still strange. "Yes," she said. "And thank you, but why?"

/You died and we heard your cry through the darkness.\ It was strange, but she could tell the blue squid to the left was speaking. /It was before your time. We save innocent lives.\

"Well, now you can take me back," she replied.

/Your time on your planet has passed. To them, you are dead. We will find you a new planet with suitable life sources for your species.\

Tosh knew she should be a good Torchwood employee and ask them what kind of species they were and what they wanted from her, but she hadn't heard much past _your time on your planet has passed_. If she had died, she wouldn't know the difference. But now all she could think about were the people she'd lost and the people who had lost her. She would never send her mother another postcard, and never receive letter from her mother, written in Japanese. Would Jack tell her mother himself? God, would he even remember? Ianto would remind him, or at least would when he packed up her apartment and found the box of letters next to her nightstand. Gwen might be the one to tell her in person. Gwen wouldn't let them leave it to a phone call or a letter.

"This is cruelty," Tosh said, looking up at the squid-thing. "Why save my life if you're just going to take me away from everything that makes _up_ my life? I don't want a life on a spaceship or a new planet! I want _my_ life!"

The squids turned to each other and it took her a moment to realize they were speaking privately to each other through telepathy. The one who had been speaking to her before turned back. /That is impossible. To those you left behind you are dead. They will mourn and move on.\

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Tosh exclaimed, but somewhere inside, she knew it was right. She wouldn't want to be mourned forever. Just remembered. She cocked her head to the side. "What are you? What is your species?"

/We are the Belemni.\

Well, that's helpful, she thought dryly. "And you know English?"

/You are not the first we've saved from your planet. We have assumed over fifty Earth languages. You spoke in two different languages while you slept, but your companion only spoke this language, so we came to the conclusion that this was your primary tongue.\

"Companion?" Tosh repeated. "I was the only one there who was dying."

/Come with us.\

They turned and went back to the way they had come. Tosh took a deep breath to steady her hands that were suddenly (or perhaps had been) shaking, and then she followed them.

The white hallways were like a maze to her, turn after turn, and there were other identical halls that they didn't enter. Were those rooms full of other people? Or perhaps they were dormitories for the Belemni. But how many other patients awaiting relocation were here? How confused and scared were they? Tosh had the benefit of knowing that aliens existed, but there had to be some terrified people here.

Tosh's bare feet were beginning to ache when the Belemni finally opened a door by waving a tentacle over what must have been a sensor embedded into the wall. She followed them into the room and it was _huge_ , at least a hundred meters long and probably twice that in length. Along the walls were tall, circular tanks, each with a Belemni body suspended in it.

"What is this?" she asked. She couldn't stop staring at the tanks. They looked almost alive in there, the blue legs moving slightly in the water. "Why are you showing me this?"

/The Belemni have become clone species,\ said the Belemni as it turned to her. /We grow new bodies from our cells and when the body begins to age and break down, we transplant our brains into new bodies. I tell you this so you will understand. When we find a body that is too broken to be saved, we take its mind and, if compatible, put into the body of a Belemni.\

"But that doesn't explain why you're showing me this," she replied. "What companion?"

/Your communication device was open while you were crying for help to another being also dying before its time. We saved you both.\

"Owen?" Tosh asked, but they didn't reply. It took her a moment to realize what they meant. "His body was dead, it had been for weeks. You put Owen's brain into one of... these?" She motioned to the tanks.

/Yes.\

"Is he all right?" She knew she sounded desperate, but the Belemni had a formal way of speaking, and they hadn't seemed to sense her distress earlier. Maybe they didn't notice.

/See for yourself.\ The Belemni moved out of the way and there was the body of another one lying on a table. Unlike the bodies in the tanks, this one looked dead. Maybe because it was a bit more of a greyish blue than the other Belemni, but when she looked back at the tanks, all the blues were a little different. /We thought it would be best to wake it with its companion nearby. It can be a shock to wake in a new body.\

Tosh's first thought was that Owen would find little comfort in having her nearby, but those last moments together. If nothing else, it had bonded them together, now into a new sort of afterlife. "Should I... hold his..." He didn't have hands anymore. "Tentacle?"

/Touch its head between the eyes. It will help hold it down and soothe it.\

She thought that tentacles flying everywhere might be a bit more worrisome than the body, but what did she know? She stepped closer to the table and placed both hands on the front of his head. She didn't have an expectation for what it would feel like, but his skin was cool and dry, and felt gritty under her hands, like a fine sandpaper. "What happens now?"

The Belemni didn't reply. It picked up a large syringe, wrapping its tentacle all the way around it and plunged the needle into one of Owen's tentacles.

Even before Tosh had to hold Owen down, she could hear his scream in her head. She nearly let go of him to cover her ears, but it wouldn't make a difference. A split second later, Owen began to flail, and she pressed down on his head.

"Owen!" she shouted. "Owen, it's me! Calm down!"

/What is this? Come and _get me_!\ Owen shouted, his legs and tentacles flying in every direct. One hit Tosh in the arm, but she didn't budge.

"Owen, listen to me! It's Tosh! I know everything's weird right now, but you have to calm down! Please!"

While the Belemni might not have been able to interpret the desperation in Tosh's voice, Owen did, and something about it seemed to get to him.

/Tosh?\ His tentacles lowered.

She relaxed her hold on his head and leaned over halfway to look into one of his great black eyes. She smiled weakly. "It's me, Owen."

/What is this place? Where am I? What happened? Why can't I move my body?\

"Well," she said slowly, sensing that she should choose her words carefully. "You died."

There was a derisive snort in her head. /Very funny.\

"Do you remember being in the nuclear plant? It was going to destroy your body. These aliens, the Belemni, they saved us both. But your body was too... they put you in this body. It's one of their bodies."

/Are you telling me that I'm bloody alien?\

"For lack of a better word? Yes."

/Jesus Christ. I think I had a nightmare like this once. Except there was shagging.\

Tosh laughed. His voice didn't sound exactly the same in her head as it did when he was speaking, but it was close. However, that sounded just like him. Yes, that was definitely Owen in there. Even if he did look like a giant blue squid.

"Were you shagging Jack?" she asked with a grin.

/No. _That_ would have been a nightmare. Now, what the hell am I? I can't move and I... I don't have a mouth, do I?\

"I imagine you have one somewhere. You do have to eat. And you're a Belemni. It's a squid-thing. You're a... a cephalopod. If we want to be technical about it, I'm the alien now."

* * *

Toshiko learned that it was hard to tell time on a spaceship. There was no sun to clue you in on the time of day, and even if there was, she had yet to find a window. In what she guessed to be about two days, Tosh managed to learn her way from her room to a cafeteria, the dormitory loo, and then back.

The cafeteria was a strange place. It was mostly Belemni, using their tentacles to shovel food up under their legs. There were a few other humans, but none of them spoke English or Japanese. And then there were about a dozen other aliens, none of which she'd ever seen anything like before. Some of them looked humanoid, but then had antennae or huge mandibles. Others didn't look human at all, including one that was just a huge red blob of what looked like gelatin. She watched in curious wonder as he (she?) absorbed food and it slowly disintegrated.

So Tosh ate by herself. The food was all vegetables and rice, no meat or cheese at all, and it seemed limp and a little rubbery, like it had come out of a tin. But she wasn't hungry, and nothing else mattered.

/Tosh? Is there a Tosh here?\

Tosh looked around and saw a Belemni standing right inside the doorway. She raised a tentative hand, and the Belemni came over to her.

/Hello! It's so nice to see another human face. Aren't you pretty?\ The Belemni had a distinctly female sounding voice in Tosh's mind, and well, certainly didn't sound like any of the others she had spoken to.

"I... suppose? How did you know my name?" Tosh asked.

/I'm working with Owen. I'm Deanna. I'm a physical therapist of sorts, helping him adjust to his new body and everything. He asked me to look for you, see how you are. He's been too busy to come visit, and he's just getting his legs under him.\

"He asked about me?" Tosh asked, and then shook her head. That was definitely not the most pressing question, and she didn't want Deanna to answer it. "You don't speak like any of the others. Were you human?"

/Yup! From Vancouver. Have you been?\

Tosh shook her head.

/Lovely city. I miss it something terrible, but I died there... what year is it now?\

"2008."

/God, has it really been that long? I've been dead now for nearly thirty years. Cancer. All throughout my body, so they gave me this one instead. And this is my home now. There are people here who need help, and I help them.\

Tosh put her hands in her lap as Deanna spoke. "It's so strange listening to you. All the Belemni I've spoken to are seem so... cold."

/They're not, they're really not. They do everything out of compassion for other peaceful species. They don't really learn other languages, but just process them, like a computer program. You're getting the most literal of translations. The tone doesn't come through.\ Deanna leaned her back against the table and stared at Tosh with her big, black eyes. They could have seemed lifeless, but after listening to her, she could almost see the spark of joy in Deanna's eyes.

"Can I ask you a question, then?"

/Please do! I'm here to help! I want everyone to feel as comfortable as I am when they're on this ship.\

"Why do the Belemni refer to everyone as 'it'? I found it quite... dehumanizing."

/Well, Tosh, the Belemni aren't human. They also don't have any genders. All the bodies are built in the lab and there's no need to procreate, so they don't have male or female. They don't even have sex drives, though believe me, this human brain doesn't forget. The pronoun they use for themselves doesn't have an English translation. 'It' is the most literal thing they have for _castsheer_.\ Or at least that's what it sounded like in Tosh's mind, though she was pretty sure that wasn't the actual word. Without mouths, the Belemni wouldn't be restricted to sounds that could be made with the mouth.

"I've never met a genderless species before," Tosh said. "There's a lot to learn."

/Have you met many other species?\ Deanna asked, a hint of humor in her voice.

"A few," Tosh replied. "Do you consider yourself an... it? Or is that too personal?"

/Not at all. In this job, I'm used to answering personal questions. To them I'm an it, because I'm one of them. But in my mind, I know I'm still a woman. The other Belemni who use to be of other species I've met feel the same. Owen definitely feels the same.\

Right. Owen. One of Tosh's favorite things about working at Torchwood was getting to learn about other alien cultures, the good and the bad, with the little that came through the rift. She'd become to caught up in learning she forgot why she had the chance to talk to Deanna in the first place.

"How's he doing?"

/He's ahead of the curve, that's for sure. Sometimes it can take weeks for someone to get over the shock and denial that comes with a new body. He seems eager to learn and move on with his life.\

Tosh smiled. "That sounds about right. Owen does what he wants. If he wants to walk in his new body, he's going to do it. When can I see him?"

/I'll send him to you when he's ready,\ Deanna replied, and Tosh nodded. That was fair. There wasn't any reason in putting a timetable on him.

But she didn't have to wait on him to do something while she was here. There were a thousand English-speaking Belemni on this ship. What could she learn about them? They had a whole culture and she could find out everything about it.

* * *

Tosh was pretty sure she'd been on the ship for about a week, and she was pretty sure she was going to be there for a lot longer. So, she made a point to learn her way around if this was going to be her home. The white hallways weren't less identical, but she retraced her steps over and over again until she knew all the twists and turns. Soon, the section of the ship she wandered didn't seem so big. She almost felt ready to try another section.

She also figured out how to open her door.

She talked to any Belemni she met in the hallways. She asked them their names at first, but none of them translated into English and she couldn't even come close to pronouncing them. She gave up even asking.

They told her that this was a hospital, and while they weren't affiliated with any army, they went to war zones to tend to the wounded. During their travels, they picked up anyone they felt was dying before their time. She still wasn't quite sure what the criteria was, how they determined who they picked up, but she realized that she and Owen were lucky. If the Belemni hadn't been passing by when they had, she would still be in the dark.

Tosh came back from the cafeteria and opened the door to her room. "Oh," she said, taking a startled step back. There was a Belemni standing in her room. She noticed that they didn't really sit. "Hello."

/Tosh, it's me.\

"Owen!" She moved forward, her urge to hug him was strong, but she wasn't quite sure how to do it. She lifted her arms halfway and then dropped them. "How are you doing?"

/Well, I'm a giant squid.\

"Actually, you're much smaller than a giant squid. They're at least thirteen feet tall. Now, you're... about the same height you were before. I can barely tell the difference."

Owen laughed, and it was strange to hear it just inside her own head. /You got it. Exactly the same. I eat through a hole between my eight legs where my balls used to be.\

Tosh sat down on her bed and looked up at Owen. "You're alive, though. That's new. How's that feel?"

/It's a different kind of alive,\ Owen replied. He paused, looking down at the floor. /Can we talk about something else?\

She bit her lower lip. "Sorry."

/Nothing of it,\ he said, with a wave of his tentacle. After spending time around the Belemni, it looked sort of unnatural. It was such a human gesture. He looked back up at her. /Do you want to go to the ocean?\

Tosh had been sitting there dwelling on her possible offense. She looked up at him. "The _what_?" She knew the ship was big, but an ocean?

He laughed, and this time she could almost see it in his big, black eyes. /It's not quite an ocean. It's more like a big pool. I guess the only water they have from their planet is the ocean.\

"And the literal translations," Tosh said with a nod. "I talked with Deanna and a few other Belemni. It's like a permanent Torchwood business trip. But with more learning and less... pointing guns at things." She got to her feet and grinned. "Take me to the ocean."

She followed Owen down the white hallway, and tried to remember what his human face looked like. Maybe it was because it seemed like she'd been gone for weeks instead of days, but it seemed to be fading away.

Owen waved his tentacle over a sensor and a few seconds later, the doors opened.

"It's a lift!" Tosh exclaimed. "I didn't know there was a lift here. I've been wandering around this floor for days and I haven't even found a window."

/There's a window in the ocean room,\ Owen said as he ran his tentacle over another sensor. Tosh wanted to ask how the lift knew which floor they wanted. Maybe it was telepathic like the Belemni.

"I'd like to see outer space," she replied. "I can't believe I've been out here so long and I _haven't_ seen it. Jack would be so disappointed in me. I always felt like Torchwood allowed me to see all the wonders of the universe. Now that I'm here, I haven't even seen it."

/You've seen some alien species, myself included. Have you seen the cherry gelatin bloke?\

"Yes! Have you watched him eat? The food just dissolves right in him!"

/You're lying.\

"Not at all!"

The doors opened and Tosh stepped out into a huge, dimly lit room. It was even larger than the lab downstairs and a few days ago, she had been so impressed by that. The pool itself was built into the ground, and was probably fifteen meters wide. She couldn't even see the far end of it from where she stood. It was full of clear green water. The blue tiled floor under her bare feet was cool and a little wet in places.

"No wonder they call it the ocean. This must be the entire floor," she said. "Do you need to be in the water every now and again?"

/Nah,\ Owen replied as he moved toward the sloped entrance to the pool, like he was drawn to it. /It just feels amazing. It's like... suddenly everything is is right in the world. When you get down to the deep end, and everything else goes away.\

Tosh smiled. "That sounds lovely."

He jerked his head toward the ocean as he waded in. /Come on, then. The water's good.\

"No suit," she replied, unconsciously crossing her arms over her chest. She was used to wandering around in her white pajamas and bare feet. Everyone else who wore clothes wore the same thing. However, she wasn't going to get them wet for no good reason.

One of the Belemni, who had referred to itself as an aide when Tosh spoke to it, had a little cart full of clean pajamas, along with a sack for the dirty ones. It offered her plasters, tampons, toothbrushes, and combs, among other toiletries. It came by about every other day. Tosh didn't want to give it more work if she didn't have to.

/Haven't you ever been skinny-dipping?\ Owen asked. He was now halfway submerged in the water, but he was looking back at her. /The Belemni won't mind. They don't notice naked birds.\

Tosh didn't really like being called a bird. "You'd notice," she said, but then again, maybe he wouldn't. He never noticed her, clothes on, around the office. "Didn't you say there was a window in here?"

/Yeah. Look up.\

She lifted her chin to look at the ceiling and her jaw dropped in awe. The ceiling was a huge glass dome and in the dim lighting, she could see every brightly shining star, and there were so _many_! She knew there were billions of the stars, more than once for every human and alien on Earth, but she could see all of them from here. The sky wasn't just black, it was bright blue and a nebula exploded across the sky in yellow, pink, and purple, with massive stars shining right through it.

And in that moment, Tosh realized this was all real. It wasn't a hoax or a breakdown. She was never going back home. According to Earth, she was dead, and now she was one a ship taking her to god knows where, with the man she loved who was now in the body of a squid.

Tosh closed her eyes as tightly as she could. It was beautiful, but reality was above her head and it was crushing her.

/Tosh?\ Owen's voice whispered in her mind.

She turned and she could see his head bobbing just beyond where the slope ended and the water became deep. "I should go," she said. "There's no other humans around here. I shouldn't be here." She turned and went back to the lift.

/Wait, Tosh!\

She could hear water splashing, but the doors opened before he got to her. Tosh waved her hand over the sensor and she thought of her floor. The doors closed. She certainly hoped the lift was telepathic.

She couldn't tell if she was being left on the correct floor, since they all looked alike. She wandered around, her arms crossed over her chest again. She just wanted to get back to her little room and have a good cry. She'd been so busy adjusting to her afterlife, she hadn't given herself a chance to mourn the life she left behind.

By now there would have been a funeral. An empty grave. Even if her body had stayed on Earth, she would have been frozen with all the other Torchwood agents of the past. She could just imagine her mother weeping. Her mother had never been one hold back her emotions. She was possibly the only one in their family who was that way. When she was angry, she shouted. When she was sad, she cried. When she was scared, her eyes went wide with fear, and her hands clenched into fists. Usually when she was scared, she wasn't frightened for herself, but for her daughter.

She wasn't going to be scared for Tosh anymore.

And now was the time Tosh needed it most.

* * *

Perhaps Owen noticed that Tosh needed some time to herself, or maybe he was just busy, but he didn't stop by for a couple of days, and she was grateful.

Tosh had gone back to her room after her shower, and had only been back for a few minutes when he knocked at the door. Even though aides stopped by at any hour, she just knew it was Owen on the other side.

She ran her fingers through her wet hair and opened the door. As horrible as it sounded, she really couldn't tell any of the Belemni apart. Some were taller, others were wider, and they ranged in shades of blue, but they didn't have any distinctive features.

"Hello, Owen," she said, a little bit more formally than she meant to.

/Hey, Tosh,\ he replied. /You good?\

He never asked how she was before, not even when she was visibly upset. Usually, Owen was thinking only about himself. But then again, they were they only ones they knew here. They had to stick together, didn't they?

She nodded. "I'm sorry about the other day. I... I saw space, and it scared me. Suddenly all of it was very real. I just needed..."

/Some space?\ Owen asked in that cheeky way of his. If he still had eyebrows, she imagined that one of them would have been arched.

Tosh couldn't help it: she laughed. "Precisely."

He held out one of his tentacles. /Do you want to try this again? I asked and you're allowed in the ocean just fine. They don't advertise it to... guests, but if you stay with me, they don't mind.\

"But I still don't have a suit."

/And I still say no one will care. Even if I could notice, Tosh, I no longer have a dick to do anything with.\ His tentacle still hung in the air, waiting for her to take it. When she didn't respond right away, he added, /I'll try to keep my eyes to myself. I can't make promises, but there's something I want to show you. And your hair's already wet. You're halfway there.\

Tosh took a deep breath and then wrapped her hand as well as she could around his cool tentacle. The suckers along the bottom felt weird against her skin. Not bad, just strange. She'd never felt anything like it before. "But you keep your eyes to yourself."

/Scout's honor.\

She chuckled at the idea of Owen as a scout, and they walked together to the lift. Another Belemni joined them on the lift, so they didn't speak. Tosh imagined if Owen wanted to converse with her privately, he could. Or maybe he couldn't do that, yet. She imagined that took a lot of discipline, and though he was a doctor, which involved a lot of studies, she just didn't see him that way.

Tosh tried to ignore the vast expanses above them when they stepped out of the lift and onto the ocean floor. She just wasn't ready to look up again. Instead, she watched with fascination the way Owen and the other Belemni both were drawn to the water. They may not need the water to survive, but they certainly loved it.

She, on the other hand, bent over to roll up the legs on her pajamas bottoms up to her knees. They didn't stay put very well, not like denim would have, but it was better than getting the cuffs wet as she waded down the slope until the water was up to her ankles. It was cool, but not cold, sort of like the tiles.

/You all right, there?\ Owen asked. He bobbed in the ocean just beyond where the slow seemed to disappear and become the deep end.

"Fine," Tosh replied with a smile. "It's my first time in. I want to savor it."

He hesitated. /So, you're not putting it off? You _can_ swim, right?\

"Of course I can!" She frowned as one of the cuffs began to droop down her calf. "I'm not the strongest swimmer, but I can keep myself afloat."

/Good.\ There was the cheeky smirk in his tone again, but his face didn't change. She wasn't sure that it even could anymore. /Don't worry, Tosh, I won't let you drown. I'm a fantastic swimmer now.\

Tosh kept frowning, but she brought her hands up to the top button her pajama top. "Turn around. I know you're still a human in there."

Owen hesitated, but then he not only turned away, but swam into the ocean, away from her.

She backed out of the pool and once she had both feet on relatively dry tile, she dropped her bottoms. This was not how she ever imagined Owen seeing her naked. Of course, there's no way she could have predicted _this_.

The shirttails of her top kept her mostly covered as she quickly unbuttoned her top and tossed it aside with her trousers before hurrying into the water, though no Belemni gave her a second glance.

She followed the slope down until the water reached her chin. It felt good, just the right, comfortable temperature, and her feet were still touching the bottom. "Owen?" she called. There were other Belemni getting into the ocean and swimming around her, and she had no idea which one was Owen.

A few moments later, a greyish blue head popped out from under the water almost right in front of her. /Right here.\

Tosh narrowed her eyes. The room was dim, but the water was clear. If she looked down, she could still see her feet. She wasn't sure how dark it got the deeper they got, but it wouldn't be difficult to see everything from underwater. How well could Belemni see in the water?

"You peeked!"

/Fine, I peeked.\ A tentacle brushed against the outside of her thigh. /It's not like I _never_ thought about it.\

Tosh knew that was the truth from her brief time with a mind-reading pendant, but that didn't make it any less inappropriate, especially since she specifically asked him not to. One would think after dying as many times as Owen managed to kick it, he would have changed somehow. Grown. But this was Owen. Every time she thought he had taken a step forward, he took two back.

However the water was nice and she did want to see his Belemni body in action. They looked so awkward walking around. The way they were drawn to the water, it made her think that this was where they belonged.

"What did you want to show me?" she asked, sounding both exasperated and resigned.

The tentacle moved away from her thigh as it flopped out from beneath the surface in a _come on_ motion. /We've got to do some swimming first.\

He took off, and Tosh fought to keep up with him. The water was getting in her mouth and as they got deeper into the ocean, there were more Belemni everywhere, and she wasn't sure which one was Owen. Again. She thought she should put a bell on him or something.

"Owen! Owen?" She stopped swimming and just began to treat water. They had gotten far away from the wall and now she could barely see it. She'd never swam in the ocean before, and she tried to remind herself that this wasn't _actually_ an ocean, but the further in she got, the darker the water became. She couldn't see her feet anymore. She had no idea how far it was to the bottom. She didn't want to start panicking. "Owen!"

/Tosh? You've got to be kidding me.\

"I can hear your muttering, you know!" she snapped, more annoyed than panicked. She was annoyed that he talked her into skinny-dipping and swimming this far out into the pool. She wanted to kill him all over again.

/I got you,\ Owen said, and Tosh felt a tentacle wrap around her waist.

"You swim too fast. I can't keep up and I lose you in the crowd." She didn't want to admit that she couldn't actually tell him apart from the other Belemni.

/Fine. Hop on.\

"What?"

/Get on. I'm not going to go slow just because you can't keep up.\ He released her and turned around. /Come on.\

Tosh hesitated. There was definitely something uncomfortable about getting a ride with him this way in general, let alone while she was naked. However, it did seem like the best way. "Just keep my head above the surface," she said, and then wrapped her legs around the top part of his body, and then carefully avoided his eyes as she wound her arms around the top of his head. She remembered that hard, gritty skin from their first day on the ship. It was flush against her skin.

/Ready?\

"As I'll ever be."

/Hang on!\ Owen began to swim, and Tosh gasped. She knew he'd been swimming fast, but it seemed so much faster from this perspective. She could feel the motion of his legs propelling them forward. There was so much _power_. It was exhilirating.

Finally, Owen came to a stop. /We are in the middle of the ocean right now.\

Tosh looked around. She couldn't see either end of the pool, and she could barely see the side walls. "How deep do you suppose it is here?"

/Pretty deep. Now, let go of me, and just float there.\

She unwrapped her arms and began to tread water. It wasn't bad with him right next to her. He'd catch her if she began to sink.

/Now, look up.\

"Oh, Owen, no. The other day... it scared me. It reminded me that all of this is actually happening, and I know that's probably a horrible thing to say because all you have to do is look in a mirror to know that, but--"

/Tosh. Stop. It's different this time because you know what's there. You know it's out there. And this is way cooler.\

She blinked, and then nodded, water getting into her mouth. She took a deep breath through her nose, and looked up to the ceiling. The middle of the ocean was also the middle of the room, and she was looking up into the peak of the glass dome. From there, the stars seemed to come down around her. She wasn't just looking up at them, she was a part of them, and they were everywhere. Weightless in the water, it was perfect.

"This must be what floating through space feels like," she said, not looking away. This time, she wasn't afraid. This time it was beautiful. "Owen, this is amazing."

/I know.\

She tore her eyes from the ceiling and gazed at Owen. If he had a face now, she was certain they would have been kissing. What was she supposed to do now?

One of his tentacles touched the inside of her thigh and slowly moved up. She sucked in a breath. Was this happening? How was this happening? Owen didn't have a human body! He didn't have male parts or even a sex drive. Deanna had told her as much. Though Deanna had also told her that the human brain never forgot what it was like.

Her very human brain, however, may have forgotten how good this felt. It was different, a tentacle, covered in suckers, as opposed to a human hand, but it still felt amazing. Her eyes fluttered shut and took in the cool water and the tentacle stroking her thigh. It didn't mattered that there were a hundred Belemni with them in the ocean. In that moment, they might as well have been alone. Alone with Owen, and this was happening.

But when his tentacle brushed against her private parts, she backed away. "No," she said. "Stop, I just -- stop."

/What is it?\ Owen asked, sounding annoyed. /I thought this what you wanted!\

"Not like this," Tosh replied.

/What? Because I'm a big squid now?\

"No! Yes, but not because of that. Because it's new. It's new for you, and it's different, and I know you need time to adjust to it. If we weren't here, if things weren't this way, this wouldn't be happening."

/What does it matter why we're doing it?\ Owen asked. /Can't we just do something? Because it's fun?\

"Maybe you can, but not me. And I don't think you're doing it because it's fun. You're doing it because you're forgetting how to be human. You're a Belemni now, and it's _scary_. This is the one human thing you have left. You're not doing it with me because you want to. You're doing it because I'm the only one around. I don't mean anything!"

/That's not true,\ he snapped.

"No? Then tell me this, Owen. Would you have.... ever? When we were on Earth? You barely looked at me twice and I was so in love with you." Tosh didn't even care that she just confessed her feelings for him. She was too hurt and angry to care. "I still am, but that doesn't make this right. I'm just going to be someone you can use to make yourself feel better." She began swimming for the side wall. There was no way she could swim back to the sloping shore, but she could get to the wall and walk back.

/Come on, Tosh,\ Owen said, following right after her. It was nothing for him to keep up. /Don't tell me you don't miss sex, too.\

She didn't reply, conserving her energy for the swim. Of _course_ she missed sex, but unlike Owen, she didn't have it all the time on Earth. In fact, she spent most of her time without it, and instead kept the company of vibrator. She didn't just want sex, though. She wanted sex with Owen. An Owen who actually wanted to sleep with her, too. And not just because she was _there_.

/This is stupid,\ Owen said. /I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know why you're so mad!\

Tosh finally reached the wall, and she turned to look at him. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want to be the one because you don't have any other options. That hardly fair to me." She placed her hands on the tiled floor and hoisted herself out of the pool. She didn't care if Owen, or anyone else, saw her naked now. She looked down at him. "Stay away from me, Owen. I think it's time you figure out your new life."

She thought Owen might follow her, but then realized that he couldn't get out of the pool there. She knew the tentacles were strong, still feeling it wrapped around her waist and touching her thigh, but apparently they couldn't be used that way. He could have been waiting for her at the sloped entrance, but he wasn't.

Apparently, Owen wasn't into following, and now he was into listening. For the first time, possibly, ever.

Her white pajamas were still sitting where she had left them. They were a little damp as she put them on, but it didn't matter. She was a little damp, too.

Back in the privacy of her room, she curled up on her bed and closed her eyes. She wasn't tired, but she was going to make herself sleep until she could no longer feel Owen's touch on her.

She might have just given up her one chance to have almost exactly what she wanted.

* * *

Time passed and Tosh stopped trying to figure out how long, though judging by her cycle, it had been at least a month, though she couldn't be sure if dying, coming back to life, and living on a spaceship had disrupted things.

She hadn't seen Owen since she left him in the ocean, and maybe it was for the best. Even if Owen _did_ suddenly fall in love with her (a preposterous thought, no matter how much she had wished for it), they couldn't have any kind of normal relationship. She was a human, and he was a human in a Belemni body.

It wouldn't bother Jack, she thought with a laugh, and then suddenly missed him. While she was pointedly not thinking about Owen, her mind wandered to Jack, Gwen, and Ianto. She wondered how they were doing, and how they were getting on by themselves. Surely, they had replacement team members by now. It was weird to think about being replaced.

She wandered the white halls of the ship, watched all the various species of aliens in the cafeteria, and tried not to mope. This ship had become like a holding cell. It wasn't bad, she'd been in worse, but everything just felt _long_. When were they going to find this new planet? When was her new life, her afterlife, going to start?

Soon, it seemed, as all the humans on board were gathered in a room. There were others that Tosh hadn't seen, those from other levels of the ship. There were several Belemni, and she wondered if they were to speak in the various languages of the people on board.

/Humans of Earth, we are pleased to inform you that we have found a planet that is willing to take you on and make citizens of you. The composition of this planet is very much like your planet. There are cities and plains, along with mountains and deserts. Like most planets, there is oxygen to breathe, though the oxygen count is higher there than it is on Earth.\

Well, we'll all be in good moods, Tosh thought dryly.

/Their language is not an Earth language, but there will be emissaries who will help you through the transition and make use of your skills to find you a place in the local economy.\

Tosh hadn't put a lot of thought into what kind of planet she would end up on, or what she would do once she got there, but now she was getting a little bit excited. The Torchwood computer system had a lot of alien technology in it that she had been quick to learn. In fact, she had to teach a lot of it to the others. If this planet had any sort of advanced technology, she was ready to learn it.

/There will be information available to you if you seek it. We will arrive in approximately on Earth day.\

One day? They would be there tomorrow? After spending all that time wishing they would get to where they were going, wherever that happened to be, it suddenly seemed like they were getting there too quickly.

It would be easy just to leave and not look back. Tosh hadn't confrontation and fighting. How simple would it be to leave and never think about Owen again?

Except that she was still in love with him. She still wanted him, Belemni body or not. And there was still time to make it right.

Tosh asked around after Owen, and was eventually directed to a lab on another floor. She pushed open the door, and it was like the other lab she had been in. Belemni bodies in tanks that lined the walls. There were two Belemni gathered around a metal table.

"Owen?"

One of the Belemni turned and looked at her. /Tosh, hey.\

"Um..." Tosh looked over at the table and there was a split open Belemni body on it. "Oh, I should -- that's not good."

/Oh, no, it's fine,\ Owen replied. He motioned back to the table with a tentacle. /That's a empty clone body. I told them I was doctor, so I'm learning about their anatomy. Right now I'm not a lot of use to most other alien species.\

"So, you're... settling in, then?"

/I am... you were right, Tosh. I was scared, and nothing makes me feel human like shagging. I had to get my shit together, so I went with what I know.\

"Lucky that you're on a hospital," she said with a little smile.

Owen laughed. /Exactly! They're all doctors around here, and... I belong here, I think. I'm on of them, now. I heard, uh, that they're dropping off all the humans.\

"Yes. Tomorrow. That's why I came to find you. I didn't want to leave when things were... complicated. But you and I don't owe each other anything. We're just co-workers who ended up in the same place."

It was hard to read Owen's face. His big, black eyes stared at her. /You could stay. They have computers here, too. There's pilots and technicians. There's all sorts of stuff you could do here.\

"And be the lone human on board?" Tosh asked. "That might be awkward."

/Just until they pick up more. And I'm still human. Sort of. You know what I mean. And there's others. And... Tosh, you could live forever. When you get old, you could be a Belemni, too. That's what they all do. When they die, they just put their brains in another body until they decide they want to stop. You could do that.\

It sounded attractive, but Tosh wasn't thinking about living forever. She'd seen how much in pained Jack in his own way, but she could see how Owen, who had a much longer time being dead than she did, would want it. What was more important to Tosh was how badly Owen wanted her to stay. Maybe he felt bad, or maybe he still wanted to cling to the one thing that remained of his human life.

But she knew he wasn't in love with her. He probably wasn't even interested. He just wanted something familiar.

Toshiko needed to move on.

She smiled. "I think, Owen, it would be best if I left. You're setting up a life here and that's wonderful. I need a life, too. I think this planet we're going to will be a good fit for me. I feel good about it."

/Yeah, I thought you'd say something like that.\

"I'm sorry, Owen."

/It's all right.\ He waved a tentacle. She could see Owen's human body doing just that. /Say, you want to get a drink? Maybe hang out in the ocean? For old time's sake?\

Tosh smiled. "That sounds nice."

She could do one more night before the rest of her afterlife.


End file.
